New Rules for Vice Presidents.

Mr. Cheney came “out” today, saying that he shot his “wad” in the face of his friend.
I’ve been thinking about some new rules for the Vice President’s Office that may be applicable now that this transgression is (maybe, possibly) over:

  1. Don’t shoot guns. They could hurt someone–even someone you like.
  2. Don’t kill animals that can’t kill you. It’s just kind of bad karma, dude.
  3. If you have to be out with a gun, try to keep the thing above your head. Lots of shit can happen when you carry guns and stuff.
  4. If, for whatever reason, you shoot someone in the head, tell the police and be manly. It’s hard to admit shooting someone in the head, I know. But it’s important that you explain what happened, if it does happen.
  5. Try rubber bullets. They’re pretty cool and they can still kill things. Sometimes they kill people even though they’re, like, rubber.
  6. Don’t tell folks, after you shot someone, that you wish the person you shot well. It’s probably better if you kind of hang out at their hospital bed for a few days and make amends.
  7. If the person doesn’t get better soon, send a card. But make it a personal one and don’t have your press secretary make jokes or anything.
  8. If you really do want to shoot guns and stuff, overall you can be a lot more useful in places like Iraq or Iran where they need the help. But if you can’t make it that far, that’s cool. Get your kids to go do that shit.</li.