There’s nothing on television tonight, so I’m making sure that The Onion is still funny. It is.
Here are a few valuable pages and their highlights:
Talking Tax Reforum
“With e-filing, the government’s seizure of nearly half my assets was quicker and easier than ever this year.”
Microsoft Vista Released
“Promise of broad, open-minded future or some bullshit”
Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday
“But when I saw that pipe, I immediately pictured it as a lamp. I’m so psyched that I snagged it before somebody else did.”
Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can’t Index
“We believe that Google Desktop Search is the best way to unlock the information hidden on your hard drive,” Schmidt said. “If you haven’t given it a try, now’s the time. In one week, the deleting begins.”
NASA wants to know if there are ‘lessons to be learned’
“We hope that the public will keep an open mind about what the facts will eventually show and that the legal system will be allowed to run its course.”*
United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In Indigestion Relief For U.S.
“Dubbed ‘Operation Soothe and Coat,’ the massive C-130 airlift is expected to provide millions of American indigestion sufferers with cartons of precious, life-giving antacids by week’s end. Much of the $1.2 billion will also go toward emergency helicopter and truck mobilization, distributing alkalides to a network of temporary stomach trouble ‘crisis centers’ set up across the American countryside.”
White House Quietly Retracts Entire State Of The Union Address
“‘This includes all components of the address, and is not limited to the president’s congratulations to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi or his plan to give more Americans affordable health care through tax cuts, which has since been deemed infeasible,’ the statement read in part.”
*Headline and quote from CNN—not The Onion.